A Hyper Eagle is a Very Scary Thing
by Dautr abr du Sundavar
Summary: Formerly "Introducing Cub and Making Eagle Hyper," the original drabble has been expanded into a series of oneshots. And every one of them will feature a hyper Eagle. O.O Scary...R&R!
1. Author Note

**ATTENTION!**

This story is currently on hiatus. It may or may not be continued, I'm not yet sure. I'm hoping to add more to it as time goes on, but I don't know what or when. If more updates are added, they will likely be extremely sporadic.

And to the readers who have subscribed to this story: I'm extremely sorry if this gave you false hope for a new chapter. I do have an idea for one, but it's not going anywhere and I don't have any other thoughts.

If you, readers, have anything you want me to add to this story, please tell me in a review or a PM! There are some things I will not write about, but if you keep it K-rated we should be okay :) In this story, prompts are my friends. They're your friends, too, because prompts usually mean new chapters!

Whether this is your first or fiftieth time reading this story, thanks for giving it a chance. And if you're reading this note because you subscribed, thanks for all the fun. I sincerely hope we have a lot more ahead of us. :)

Keep a battleaxe in your bathroom,  
Sunda


	2. Introducing Cub and Making Eagle Hyper

**A/N: Don't ask me where this came from. It's a scary place.**

**Disclaimer: Hello? Can a teenager marry in the U.S? No. Well, I could, but it would be illegal...Anyway, Anthony Horowitz is married. See where I'm going with this? Good. Then I don't feel like I need to put it plainly. :)

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The sergeant looked Alex over, sizing him up. "So," he drawled, "you're the new kid. Rather, you're the kid. Normally, I'd go on a rant about how you don't belong here or something, but I don't feel like it. So I'm just gonna take you to meet your unit. Got it?"

"Yup," Alex replied.

The sergeant led him to one of the huts. He opened the door and virtually shoved Alex inside, announcing to the hut's occupants – who were lounging on their beds – "This's Cub. He's gonna be here for a while. Say 'hi.'"

"Yo," said the short one with black hair in a weird foreign accent.

"Yo," said the skinny blond one in a Scottish accent.

"Yo," said the dark-eyed one with black hair in a Liverpudlian accent.

"Hi!" said the redhead in a London accent, blue eyes sparkling with mischief.

The sergeant's face darkened, and he shouted, "I told you to say 'hi,' not 'yo!' You three-" he gestured to the soldiers who had offended him so- "are on KP duty tonight. And all of tomorrow." Ignoring their groans, he faced the redhead and said, "Not you, Eagle. You're a good soldier. You get candy."

The redhead – Eagle – bounced into a sitting position and grinned. "Yay!" he exclaimed, clapping his hands excitedly. He stuck out his tongue at the others.

The sergeant rolled his eyes at Eagle and, glancing at Cub, whispered, "I feel sorry for you," before leaving the hut."

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**A/N: If I get enough responses, this might turn into a series of oneshot drabbles set in the universe dictated by this story. So review! :D**


	3. Candy Mountain

**A/N: Here we are again! SauerP230delirium and xlivilightx both asked for unicorn stories, so here's this. xlivilightx asked for Charlie, and SauerP230delirium prompted for...well, everything else, really. :) So this is for you guys. And SauerP230delirium, I know Alex isn't particularly angsty, but I made him as belligerent and stereotypically teenager-y as is possible in a drabble. Does that make up for it? At all? *insert puppy-dog face here***

**Disclaimer: Alex Rider, the owner of I am not. x)

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"Um...where are we?" asked Alex.

"On the beach of a desert island. _Duh_," replied Fox.

Alex snorted. "Yeah, I got that, Holmes. But _why_ are we here?"

Everyone turned to look at Wolf, who shrugged. "Beats me."

"I know why you're here," Charlie the Unicorn suddenly said.

Everyone whirled around to face Charlie – everyone except Eagle, who was lying on the ground in a sugar coma. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" Snake growled, his Scottish accent thicker than normal.

"Charlie the Unicorn. _Duh_," he said, imitating Fox perfectly.

Fox blinked.

Wolf blinked.

Alex blinked.

Snake blinked.

Eagle smacked his lips and rolled over.

"What?" Charlie said, peeved. "Don't you want to know how to get out of here?"

Everyone glanced at each other. "No, cause we're having _so_ much fun," drawled Alex.

Wolf smacked him upside the head. "Cub! No sarcasm!"

Alex just flipped Wolf the bird.

Wolf growled and started to attack Alex, but tripped over Eagle, who was suddenly sitting up and staring at Charlie. "Were you just about to say what I think you were about to say?" he all but squealed.

"Yup," Charlie replied calmly.

"YAY!" Eagle jumped up and started racing inland. Remembering the rest of his unit, he darted back, grabbed Fox and Snake, and started running again. Fox and Snake grabbed Alex and Wolf in an attempt to stop Eagle's mad rush, but all that happened was that the other two got dragged along as well.

"Where are we going?" Fox called between bounces off the ground.

Eagle cackled and announced, "CANDY MOUNTAIN!"

K-Unit's screams of despair echoed all around the small island.

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**A/N: Bahaha! I love torturing K-Unit. Lol tell me what you think! If you give me a prompt for a oneshot, I'll probably do it. Mmkay?**

**I know that this is pretty long for a drabble, but in my defense, the official definition of a drabble is as follows:**

**"1. A fictional story, typically in fan fiction, that is exactly 100 words long.**  
**2. A fictional story, typically in fan fiction, only a few hundred words long."**

**This one clearly falls under the second definition - without the disclaimer and author's notes, it's 291 words. Mmkay? Mmkay. :D  
**


	4. Princess Wolf

**A/N: Thanks for the prompt, rAnDomDudE!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize. Not even the candy. *sniff*

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"Hey Eagle! Guess what!"

"What?"

"We should do something EVIL."

"Cool, like what?"

"We should...STEAL WOLF'S CLOTHES!"

Eagle fell over laughing. He and Alex were sitting behind the mess hall, a large, empty bag of sugary goodness (read: assorted chocolates and other sugar high-inducing foods) between them. They were currently so hyper that their words ran together and they literally vibrated where they sat.

"That's brilliant!" Eagle said in response to Alex's suggestion. "Cub, you're a genius! But..." he shuddered. "If we steal Wolf's clothes, he won't have anything to wear."

Alex closed his eyes, smiled and shook his head. "Ah, Eagle. Poor, simple Eagle. We'll leave him something to wear."

Eagle was confused, and said as much. Alex merely smiled wider, shook his head some more, and laid a hand on Eagle's shoulder. "Eagle, my friend, I have a plan. A _plan_, I say." His smile turned into a smirk as he leaned closer in order to whisper in Eagle's ear.

The man howled with laughter, tears streaming down his face. When he calmed down after five minutes or so, he said, "Okay, let's do it. But how?"

Alex snorted. "I'll use my super-spy-ninja powers while he's sleeping, dummy.

"Oooooooh," said Eagle. "I see." He smirked. "Midnight?"

"Naturally."

_**Five hours – and much candy – later...**_

Alex's watch alarm went off at the appropriate time. He silenced it and looked to Eagle.

"You think they're still awake?" Alex asked softly.

Eagle snorted. "No way. They probably think you're lost somewhere and I'm in the mess hall stuffing my face." As if reinforcing his assurances, he kept his voice low enough that Alex could barely hear him.

Alex couldn't resist a smile. "Right. So, you ready?"

"Yup."

"Got the package?"

Eagle grinned devilishly and hefted a rather large box. "You bet."

Alex smothered a laugh and whispered, "Okay, let's do this."

He and Eagle opened the box as quietly as they could and heaped its contents into Eagle's arms. Then they crept to K-Unit's hut, listening carefully to the snores from within. Several times, they had to stop and bite their cheeks to keep from laughing. Finally, though, they made it.

Alex silently opened the door. He nodded back to Eagle – all clear. Eagle nodded in reply as Alex turned and went inside.

He tiptoed over to Wolf's area and stealthily began removing his clothes from their place. No article was spared. Finally, Alex snuck out to Eagle and traded Wolf's clothes for the pile in Eagle's arms. Eagle ran away to hide his prize as Alex padded back into the hut and stuffed the articles into their place. Stifling a giggle, he changed and went to bed soon after Eagle returned. Morning was going to be interesting...

_**Six hours later...**_

Wolf awoke slowly, trying to cling to sleep for as long as he could. Unfortunately, he lost the battle with wakefulness, and reluctantly opened his eyes. He sighed and hauled himself out of bed, vaguely noticing that the rest of his unit were doing the same. Yawning expansively, he went for his clothes.

Only to discover that instead of SAS drab staring back at him, there was a multitude of hot pink, purple, and pale blue garments, complete with fluff, fuzz, and tulle. He felt his jaw go slack and his eyes expand to the approximate size of dinner plates.

"Hey, Wolf, what's-" came the sleep-addled voice of Snake behind him, which stopped dead upon seeing what Wolf was staring at. "Wha..." was all he could manage to say.

Fox and Eagle, curious, joined the others in gawking. Cub was still asleep, the lucky devil. Finally, Eagle said – while obviously trying to repress laughter – "So, Wolf...you gonna train as a princess today?"

That set the others off. They tried, unsuccessfully, to smother their snickers, which soon turned into full-bellied laughter that woke up Cub. He shot upright at the noise, then joined in the laughter upon seeing the mix of incredulity, shock, fury, and revulsion on Wolf's face.

Wolf simply sat, alternating his gaze between the princess dresses – which, he now saw, also came with appropriate shoes and accessories – and his hysterical teammates. He was staring at the dresses when he heard a smack of skin on skin and Eagle's voice saying, "Good one, Cub!"

Wolf whipped around so quickly he felt his neck crack. The hut had gone deadly silent. "What did you say?" Wolf asked a wide-eyed Eagle in a deceptively soft voice.

"I blame the sugar," Cub interrupted.

Wolf cocked a brow. "Sugar?" he repeated, even more softly.

"I may have...um...shared some of my sta-candy...with Cub," Eagle said, having apparently found the floorboards incredibly fascinating.

"Stash? Is that what you were about to say?" Wolf said. Eagle meekly nodded.

Wolf growled, as scary as his namesake. He said only one word.

"Run."

And they did.

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**A/N: Well? Whatja think? I have an idea for a chapter after this one, and then a prompt to fulfill after that, but then I'm totally open to suggestions!**

**Please review. You'll get (virtual) cookies!**


	5. Gooey Gumdrops and Yellow Cards

**A/N: Two chapters (for lack of a better word) in one day? Wow. Don't get spoiled, though, people. Trust me. x)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider or the game.

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K-Unit – well, most of it – trudged back to their hut after a long day of harsh training. Every one of them was certain that the Sergeant had been tougher on them than usual, because Eagle and Cub were hiding from Wolf.

They gratefully approached the uncomfortable hut. As they did so, a disbelieving shout came from inside. With glances at eath other, Wolf, Snake, and Fox broke into a run.

Their progress was arrested a moment later as the voice – Eagle's – continued, "How is that fair? I get stuck in the Gooey Gumdrops, and you get to go to _Queen Frostine?_"

They heard a laugh – Cub's – and he said, "That's just how it is, my friend. Suck it up."

The rest of the unit had reached the door of the hut by then, and Fox thrust it open. The scene they were confronted with was...strange, to say the least.

Eagle was pouting, and Cub wore a triumphant look. Between them was a colourful game board with two pawns on it. Cards with coloured squares on them were scattered all around the duo, and Cub was brandishing one at Eagle.

"What are you two doing?" Snake asked faintly.

Cub glared at him. "Playing Candy Land. What's it look like?"

Eagle gave Cub a dirty look. "He's not _playing_; he's _cheating_."

Cub stared at Eagle incredulously. "How do you _cheat_ at _Candy Land?_"

Eagle frowned, confused by the question. "Well...just don't steal my yellows," he said, a note of surrender in his voice, as he drew a red card.

Cub drew a card and smirked, the rest of the unit still watching in stupefied amazement. "You mean like this one?" Cub said to Eagle, showing him a double yellow.

Eagle's mouth dropped open, then he snarled and lunged at Cub, who was already scrambling away. Eagle chased him, shouting furiously, out the door and into the gathering twilight. Fox, Wolf, and Snake watched them go, bemused.

"Where did they get Candy Land?" Fox finally whispered.

Wolf snorted. "Where did they get a bunch of princess outfits my size?"

Snake stared at his unit leader, Fox doing the same. "And...how do you know they were your size?" the Scottish man asked.

Wolf flushed. "Well, they were a bit too big for five-year-olds!"

Snake raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, preferring instead to listen to Eagle's shouts of yellow cards and cheaters, interspersed with Cub's laughter.

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**A/N: Well, that was longer than I thought it would be. Not as long as the last one, though. x}**

**Please review! I love reviews; they make me happy. ^_^ And you don't want me to be sad, do you?**


	6. Welcome to Wonderland

**A/N: Hello again. The prompt for this chapter came from Mainn. Thanks, Mainn!**

**Disclaimer: I'll only own Alex Rider after I've taken over the world. Which I fully intend to do, by the way.

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"Where are we going?" Fox demanded for the umpteenth time.

"For the umpteenth time, we're going where I'm driving us!" the clown of the group snapped.

"Do I have to pull this thing over and have a talk with you kids?" drawled Wolf.

Eagle snorted as he clicked on his blinker to turn left. "And how you gunna do that, huh? In case you haven't noticed, _I'm_ driving."

"He does have a point," Snake piped up. "Cub, please get your elbow out of my stomach," he continued in the same mild tone.

He did so. "Sorry."

The five members of K-Unit were packed like sardines in Eagle's ancient Astra, heading to God-knows-where to do God-knows-what.

Eagle, it must be noted, was having entirely too much fun with his newfound position of authority.

"Sorry about the tight fit, guys," he apologized, making another turn – right this time. "It's the biggest I've got."

"And just what do you mean by that?" asked Fox, who was squashed against the window.

"I mean my other car is a motorcycle."

Fox's eyes widened.

"Here we are!" Eagle exclaimed five supremely uncomfortable minutes later. He parked the car, and everyone – quite literally, in the case of the occupants of the back seat – spilled out. Fox was rubbing his right arm as if trying to restore circulation – which he more than likely was – Snake was massaging his stomach, and Cub was taking a series of deep breaths.

"Next time, I'm sitting up front," Snake croaked.

Cub looked at him, horrified. "And leave me squashed between Fox and _Wolf?_ Nu-uh."

"Hey!" Wolf had overheard their conversation.

"Well, I really don't want your elbow jabbing into me any more than necessary," Snake replied to Cub, ignoring his unit leader.

Cub scowled. "I _said_ I was sorry! What more do you want from me?"

Snake was saved from replying by Fox's "Uh, guys..."

"What?" Wolf snapped, businesslike, catching the note of worry and – perhaps – horror in his teammate's voice.

Fox pointed. "Look," was all he said.

K-Unit – except for Eagle, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet with a devilish grin – looked. They were confronted with one of the few places they would never have thought Eagle – idiotic-yet-not-altogether-evil Eagle – capable of subjecting them to.

"Eagle?" Cub began in a conversational tone.

"Yes?"

"What is this place?"

Eagle's sadistic grin grew wider and, if possible, more sadistic. "Welcome to Wonderland, gentlemen." And with that, he grabbed as many wrists as he could and dragged his unit through the gates.

_**One hour later...**_

"Seriously," Fox moaned, "who builds a Cheshire Cat Tilt-A-Whirl? Honestly, that's just pathetic."

"Right," mumbled Snake, looking decidedly green around the proverbial gills.

"I told you not to eat all that cotton candy," Cub said smugly.

"You're lucky I'm too miserable to slap you, punk." Snake's threat had somewhat less than its usual vehemence, due to his weak voice.

"Honestly," Wolf remarked, "I'd rather you ate all that sugar than Eagle."

Snake nodded. "Good point."

Fox grinned. "The one day of leave we get, and Eagle hauls us to the one place guaranteed to make one of us motion sick."

Snake glared daggers at him.

"Where'd Eagle go, anyway?" Cub remarked.

The SAS unit stopped, eyes widening in horror as they realized their teammate endowed with the least brain cells was missing. Immediately, their gazes began darting around the fairground. Their search was rewarded before it really got started when Eagle bounded up to them.

"There you guys are!" He was speaking so rapidly that his fellow soldiers had a hard time following what he said.

"Yeah, here we guys are," Cub replied after processing Eagle's words. His tone made it clear that he was more than a little peeved. The unit moved on, Eagle walking backward and gesturing expansively as he explained his predicament.

"Well, I was looking all over for you! I was just walking along, watching the gamers, and I was about to suggest we go on another ride when I noticed you guys were gone! I mean, I couldn't find you anywhere! Now, I know that when you get lost you're supposed to stay put, but I wasn't lost. You guys were! So I started walking around and looking for you, and then this nice lady offered me some cotton candy – how could I say no? And before you ask, no I didn't get her number, are you crazy? I just met her! But anyway, so I was walking along and eating my cotton candy and looking for you, and this weird guy looked at me funny like he was gunna steal my cotton candy, and I was like, 'No way!' Except I didn't actually talk to him. I just walked along and ate the rest of my cotton candy really fast so he couldn't steal it. Anyways, so I was walking along, looking for a dustbin and looking for you, when I found a dustbin and threw away my cotton candy stick – cause, you know, littering is bad and all. But the dustbin was right next to a funnel cake stand, and I was pretty hungry, so I got a funnel cake and ate it as I walked around looking for you. And then I decided to try to win one of those ring toss games, just for the fun of it. So I played it, and I won! And you know what the prize was? Candy! So I ate the candy as I was walking around looking for you, and I had just thrown away the last wrapper when I saw you guys! So I came up to you guys, and – well, you know the rest!"

By the end of Eagle's speech, everyone had stopped again and was staring at him. "You mean..." Fox began slowly, "you've had...sugar?"

Eagle nodded emphatically.

"A lot of sugar?"

Eagle nodded even more emphatically.

Fox groaned.

"I'm driving," he, Snake, and Wolf chorused.

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**A/N: Well? How was it? Mainn, I know you said "a little kids' place," but this is the best I could come up with. And in case you're wondering about the "Wonderland" thing – the fair was Alice in Wonderland-themed. For whatever odd reason. We all know how weird Eagle is, and weirdness attracts its own. I know. I don't have to look any farther than my circle of friends for proof of that. ^_^**

**Trust me when I say that I know the pain of compact cars (a Vauxhall Astra is a type of compact car). My dad has a Chevy Aveo – we call it a clown car. I kid you not.**

**Dude...Eagle's hyper monologue was practically a drabble in and of itself. 312 words! Wow...And yes, I know exactly how people can get when they're hyper. I had a bunch of cookie dough last night, and it got scary...like, Eagle-scary...O_O**

**Review, please! I'll gladly take suggestions and prompts!**


	7. From Energy Drinks to Hot Girls

**A/N: Thanks to marisje for suggesting this!**

**Disclaimer: Do I need to tell you people that I don't own Alex Rider for every one of these? Seriously, tell me. Please. I beg you.

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"Hey, Eagle!"

The man in question turned at the sound of his name. Jogging toward him was Cub, and he was clutching something in his hand.

"What's up, Cub?" he asked as the boy drew near.

"Drink this," Cub replied as he shoved the object he had been holding into Eagle's hands.

Eagle raised an eyebrow. "Why? What is it?"

"Because I asked you to, and it's an energy drink."

Eagle's other eyebrow joined its brother. "And...why would I drink one of those? Do I look like I have a death wish?"

Cub sighed, obviously exasperated. "No, you don't look like you have a death wish. And do you really want to know why you would drink this?"

"Yes."

Cub motioned Eagle closer and whispered in his ear. A slow grin spread across Eagle's face as Cub spoke.

"Alright, you got me," he said, taking the drink from the boy. "But if I get in trouble, I'm blaming you."

_**Later that night...**_

"C'mon! Just one more game?"

"No!"

"Pleeeeeaaaase?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Stop pouting. Because I said no!"

"But why did you say no?"

A sigh. "Because Wolf cleaned me out, that's why."

"Oooooooohh."

A brief silence. Then:

"But can't you bet something else?"

"NO!"

"C'mon, Eagle, leave the sore loser alone."

"Now, that's not nice."

"What?"

"Rubbing it in like that."

"Uh-huh. Right."

"Hey, Wolf, get off Eagle's case. It's not Snake's fault he's bad at poker."

"Yeah, you can say that as you sit there thumbing through your cash!"

"I thought you guys were supposed to be grown men, not five-year-olds!"

"Shut up, Cub!"

"Oh, yeah? Make me!"

"You shouldn't have said that..."

"Shut up, Fox."

_**The next morning...**_

Wolf stumbled out of the hut, bleary-eyed. Whoever gave Eagle all that sugar was dead meat.

"I think I'm going crazy," mumbled Fox groggily as he followed his unit leader.

"I already _am_ crazy," Snake moaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, come on, guys. It was only a few thousand renditions of The Song That Never Ends. It could have been worse, right?" Cub was unusually chipper for someone who had been kept awake all night by said song.

"Shut up, Cub," Wolf said, but his usual venom was lost in a yawn.

"What's for breakfast?" Eagle asked as he bounded out of the hut.

Snake glared at him. "Well, I can tell you what's _not_ for breakfast."

Eagle tilted his head to the side, looking not unlike his namesake. "What?" he asked innocently.

Snake closed his eyes briefly in exasperation. Then he started ticking items off his fingers as he listed them. "Pancakes, waffles, coffee, French toast, anything with syrup...basically, you're restricted to the glop." Wolf nodded his reinforcement of the all-but-order.

Eagle cocked his head to the other side. "Why?"

"Because you don't need any more sugar," Snake explained, affecting patience.

Eagle frowned. "But I didn't have sugar. I had-"

"K-UNIT!" Fortunately for Cub – who rather enjoyed having skin on his body – the sergeant strode up to the group. "Why are you not at the mess hall enjoying a delicious nutritious breakfast?" he demanded.

"Uh..." Each member of the group made various excuses, then all but ran to the building in question.

_**That night...**_

Fox groaned as he stretched out on his bed. "And I thought it was bad when Cub and Eagle weren't there."

Snake nodded his agreement. "I never realized the obstacle course was so _long_," he moaned, his voice slightly muffled by his pillow.

Wolf yawned. "I'm just glad we can actually sleep tonight."  
Cub looked concerned. "Where's Eagle?"

Wolf grinned – well, wolfishly. "Looking for hot girls."

"What?"  
"I told him there were hot girls here. It'll keep him outside all night."

Cub shook his head, but couldn't argue. After all, training was a world worse when you had gotten exactly no sleep the night before.

_**3:00 the following morning...**_

K-Unit was awoken by a pounding on their door and Eagle's shouts to "Open up!"

Cub hauled himself out of bed and automatically opened the door, still half-asleep. "Eagle?" he asked.

The man scowled. "Wolf lied!" he complained. "There are no girls out there!"

"Why you little..."

Cub heard the words just in time to leap out of the way, as Wolf – who had been standing behind him – lunged out the door and began to chase Eagle around the grounds.

"When do you think they'll be back?" Fox mused.

"A few hours. Probably before breakfast," Snake answered, already laying back down.

Fox grinned. "You want to bet on that?"

Snake's only response was to throw a pillow at the other soldier.

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**A/N: Personally, I don't find this up to my usual standards for this story. But don't judge me by that – some of the best stories I've read are by authors who thought they (the stories) were crap. Hint, hint. :D**


	8. At the Beach

**A/N: SauerP230delirium suggested this one. Thanks, man!**

**Disclaimer: Well, since none of you answered my question on the last disclaimer*pointed glare* I have to put this up. So...I don't own Alex Rider.

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The phone rang.

"I got it!" Alex called to Jack as he picked up the phone. "Hello?" he said into the mouthpiece.

"Sheesh, Cub, can ya yell a little louder?" complained a very familiar – and rather peeved – voice on the other end.

A grin spread across Alex's face. "Hi, Eagle," he said. "What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing." Eagle's tone belied his words.

"Liar. What's up?"

Alex could hear the grin in his former unit-mate's voice. "How would you like to go to Spain?"

Alex was speechless for a moment. "Why?" he finally managed to choke out, immediately cursing his lack of wit.

Eagle merely laughed. "Think of it as a little vacation."

Alex snorted. "The last time somebody told me that, I nearly got blown up."

Eagle was quiet for a moment – which was a very strange experience for Alex. "Cub," he finally said, "I'm serious. This has nothing to do with MI6, or the SAS, or anything like that. C'mon, it'll be fun. And just for a week. If you don't want to think of it as a vacation, think of it as a unit reunion. Sound good?"

It was Alex's turn to be silent – if only for a few seconds. "Hold on," he finally said. Holding the mouthpiece to his chest, he called to Jack, "Hey, can I go to Spain for a week?"

Jack poked her head around the corner, eyes wide. "Why?" Alex quickly explained. Jack rolled her eyes and muttered, "Why doesn't anyone else talk about things like this?"

"So I can go?" Alex thought he could feel his eyes shining.

Jack smiled. "Yes, Alex, you may go."

Alex barely contained the whoop that bubbled up in his chest. Instead he smiled widely and mouthed "Thank you" as many times as he could as he brought the phone up to his ear. "When do we leave?" he asked Eagle.

Eagle actually did whoop. "Next week," he said. "I'll call you later, once the details are settled."

"Excellent," Alex said.

_**The following Thursday...**_

"Do you have everything?" Alex could practically see concern coming off Jack in waves.

"Yes, Jack, I have everything. Don't worry." Alex smiled. "I'll be fine."

Jack's expression still betrayed her worry; nevertheless, she hitched a smile onto her face and waved good-bye as he got into the taxi that would take him to Heathrow.

_**Two days later...**_

Great. Alex was lost. Again. How hard was it to lose oneself on a beach? Apparently, all too easy.

A voice issued from a nearby doorway, saying, "Oye, niño. ¿Usted perdió?" Hey, kid. You lost?

Alex looked in the direction of the voice. Its owner was a rather sullen-looking man, who Alex instinctively did not trust. He responded accordingly, saying with a reassuring smile, "No, estoy bien. Gracias." No, I'm fine. Thanks.

The man's eyes never left Alex as he hurried on his way. He scanned the street signs subtly, looking for the one that would lead him back to Playa de las Catedrales – the beach where the rest of K-Unit was. He turned down first one road, then another, before finding himself in a blind alley. He frowned and started to turn around when he heard a very familiar – and altogether unwelcome – voice from the mouth of the alley.

"Consígalo." Get him.

Alex whirled around and transformed into a flurry of hands and feet as four men – including the one to whom he had spoken before – fell on him.

_**Meanwhile, on Playa de las Catedrales...**_

"Five."

"You crazy, Fox? She's an easy seven."

"Come on, Snake. Look at her. Blond, blue eyes, strong suntan. No novelty value _what-so-ever._ Five."

"I guess I do have to give you that one..."

The men of K-Unit were sitting on the beach, rating the passing female population. Ten was blow-your-mind-hot; one was ugly-beyond-all-reason.

"Hey, Fox," Wolf began slyly.

"I'm not doing it," the man in question said immediately.

If he was a different person, Wolf might have pouted. Instead, he whined. "Why not? You don't even know what it is!"

"Doesn't matter," Fox rebutted. "When you use that tone, I know I won't like it."

"What is it?" Snake piped up.

Wolf grinned. "See that nine over there?" He gestured to indicate a woman they had rated earlier.

Snake looked. "Yeah."

"I dare you to try to get a date."

Snake looked at his unit leader in bemusement. "What are you, fifteen?" he said. Nevertheless, he got up and went to talk to the "nine" in question.

Wolf and Fox stared after their friend until he turned a long-suffering glare on them, which clearly told them to mind their own business. Upon seeing this, Eagle left (for reasons all his own – the others had learned not to ask), and Fox and Wolf fell into a very serious discussion about the merits of green versus blue eyes.

After five minutes or so, Snake returned with a hand holding his cheek as if it was sore.

"What happened?" Wolf could barely contain his laughter.

"Well..." Snake winced as he sat down. "Caesar came, saw, and conquered." He winced again. "I came, saw, and got slapped across the face."

This, of course, elicited raucous laughter from Fox and Wolf. Snake simply sat, glaring alternately at the ocean and his unit. _At least Eagle's not here,_ he thought gloomily. Eagle, he knew, would tease him mercilessly.

Suddenly, a smirk spread across Snake's face. "Hey, Wolf," he said.

"What?" Wolf choked out between chuckles.

Snake's smirk grew. "Your turn."

Wolf stopped laughing. "What?"

"You heard me. I dare you to ask..." he paused and searched for a suitable woman. His eyes alighted on another "nine," and he grinned maliciously as he pointed her out. "Her. I dare you to ask her for a date."

Wolf groaned but complied.

Thus began what quickly became a game – rate a woman, and if she got an eight or higher, dare another person to ask her out. No one had rate a ten, until shortly after Eagle (who was vibrating suspiciously) returned.

Fox whistled. "There's a ten if I ever saw one," he whispered.

The rest of the unit followed his gaze, and more than one jaw dropped. Everyone agreed, the goddess who approached was easily a ten – perhaps higher.

Wolf grinned. "Hey, Eagle."

"What?"

"I dare you to go ask her out."

He complied with a grin. The rest of the unit sat back, waiting for the inevitable – and painful – rejection.

They were disappointed. Eagle said something, the woman laughed, and he strolled off with her on his arm – but not without sticking his tongue out triumphantly at the other men, who glared after him.

"Why is it that the hyper one gets the date?" Wolf grumbled. No one bothered to answer him.

Just after Eagle left, Alex arrived. Snake and Wolf ignored him, preferring to glower at Eagle's retreating back. Fox glanced over, then did a classic double-take upon seeing Alex's newest collection of bruises.

"What happened to you?" he asked, shocked.

Alex smiled at him wearily. "Vacation," he said simply.

* * *

**A/N: This was set after Skeleton Key, but before Ark Angel. Obviously, it's also set before Scorpia and Eagle Strike. :)**

**Review, please! Pretty, pretty please!**


	9. Eagle Potter

**A/N: I'm sorry this took so long – my Story Machine is broken. :( But I'm reasonably happy with this. It returns to the original spirit of the series – namely, it's a drabble. :D And just to clarify – when Coke is mentioned in this story, I mean the soft drink, not the drug. That's why it's capitalized. :) Drugs are BAD! They will MESS YOU UP! There's my civic duty done. xD But seriously, don't do drugs. The results ain't pretty. And they're illegal (at least in most countries that I know of). So DON'T DO 'EM!**

**Many thanks to marisje for suggesting this. Originally, I wasn't quite sure what to do with your idea (I'm glad you finally got to sleep, by the way :]), but then this randomly hit me, and here we are! :D Ah, the things that come from random ideas...xD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider, any of the spells, or Coca-Cola.

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**

Alex was just walking along, minding his own business, when _suddenly_...

"_Stupefy!_" screamed Eagle as he jumped out from behind a tree, brandishing a stick, a fierce look on his face.

Alex stopped in his tracks and raised an eyebrow. "I'm...sorry?" he said.

Eagle lowered the stick and groaned. "You're supposed to be _asleep_ by now, idiot!" he whined.

Alex raised his other eyebrow. "I'm...sorry?" he repeated.

Eagle heaved an exasperated sigh. "To be more accurate, you're supposed to be _Stunned_," he explained. Suddenly his own eyebrows came together in a scowl. "Why aren't you Stunned?" he demanded.

Alex took a small step backward. "Um...because...I cast a Shield Charm. Nonverbally. Without a wand."

Eagle seemed to think about that for a moment. His scowl grew more pronounced until finally he chirped, "Okay!" and – literally – skipped away.

Alex stood where he was for a moment, utterly dumbfounded, until a panting Snake ran up to him and leaned against the tree.

"Where'd he go?" the older man asked between breaths.

"Who? Eagle?" Alex clarified.

Snake could do nothing more than nod.

Alex pointed. "That way. Is he drunk or something?"

"No," Snake explained as he prepared to run off again. "He persuaded some idiot to give him Coke." And he was off.

Alex stared after him, wide-eyed. Whoever gave Eagle the Coke was in deep trouble, indeed.

* * *

**A/N: Well? Please review! Suggestions are more than welcome – like I said, my Story Machine is broken. :'( xP**


	10. Do doo do do do

**A/N: Yes, another song! Hey, it's an update. Deal with it. :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider or the song. Do doo do do doo...

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**

"Hey, Fox!"

The man in question stiffened and inwardly groaned. He would know that hyperactive tone anywhere, and he dreaded the results of the run-together words.

"Yes, Eagle?" he said mildly, turning to face the oversized child in question. He was surprised to see an actual child by his side, but the sight only intensified his dread – Cub wore the same wild-eyed, slightly glazed look as Eagle.

The man's words snapped Fox back to reality. "We need your help," he was saying. Instantly, alarm started blaring in Fox's mind. He said nothing, though, as Eagle continued, "Did you ever watch The Muppet Show?"

"Yes," Fox said cautiously. He didn't know where the conversation was going, but it was certainly nowhere good.

"Do you remember the Manah Manah song?" Eagle asked.  
"Yeah," Fox replied slowly. No, he definitely did not like where the conversation was headed.

Eagle broke into a huge grin – Fox started mentally composing his will. "Great!" Eagle exclaimed.

"Why?" Fox regretted the word as soon as it left his lips.

Eagle motioned to Cub, who obligingly said, "We were gonna sing it, but we needed two people to do the 'do doo do do do' part. Wolf wouldn't answer and Snake ran away, so we asked you!"

_Great,_ Fox thought sarcastically. Aloud he said, "But why can't you just have one person sing that part? I mean, the two sing exactly the same thing, so..." He trailed off at the look in Eagle's eye.

"Please?" the other man begged. "It's just that we love the song sooooooooooo much, and you're such a good friend, and the Sergeant wants us to get along, and the sky is blue, and birdies are pretty, and we reeeeeeaaaally want your help, and-"

"Okay, I'll do it!" Anything to head off the incipient randomness.

Eagle immediately brightened. "Yay!" he said, literally clapping his hands. Making hand motions akin to those of a conductor, he motioned for Fox and Cub to begin.

"Do doo do do do," they said – Cub enthusiastically, Fox reluctantly.

"Manah manah."

"Do do do do."

"Manah manah."

"Do dooo do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do doo do."

And again.

"Manah manah."

"Do doo do do do."

"Manah manah."

"Do do do do."

"Manah manah."

"Do dooo do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do doo do."

But this time-

"Ma mama na manah na namwomp mwomp, ma mo mo mana mo."

Fox gave him a strange look.

"Manah manah."

"Do doo do do do."

"Manah manah."

"Do do do do."

"Manah manah."

"Do dooo do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do doo do."

More nonsense. Another strange look.

"Manah manah!"

Eagle and Cub high-fived and scurried off. Fox shook his head and grimaced, wondering when exactly he had started to regard a hyper Eagle as a very scary thing.

* * *

**A/N: As may be evidenced by the final line, I'm debating ending this. If you want more, I'll write more – but guys, I need suggestions, because most of my muses are unhappy with me. I don't have nearly as much time to write as I would like, which is a partial cause of the long wait between updates – besides the fact that I'm afflicted with acute Procrastinitis, of course. xD So just...let me know, okay?**

**If this is good-bye for this story, the let me say that it's been fun. A lot of fun. I love all my reviewers – in a totally non-creepy way xD – and I hope everyone, reviewing and non-reviewing readers alike, enjoyed this even half as much as I did. ^&^ Thanks for an awesome story coaster!  
**


	11. Diabetic

**A/N: Hiyaz once more. :) First of all, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and said they wanted more! It means a lot to me. :D**

**I'm sorry this took so long, really. I couldn't get to a computer for like two months, though, so I do have a valid excuse. :}**

**Y'all can thank PsychoWing for this chapter. Thankies very much, PsychoWing!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. I'll just put it that way – otherwise this would go on for like ever. XD

* * *

**

Alex stirred groggily. Where was he...he couldn't remember. That would have scared him, but for the fact that thinking felt like trying to mentally swim through syrup. He fuzzily decided to take stock of what he could, and try to go from there.

He was lying on something hard and cold. A floor, he thought. Concrete, judging by the texture under his cheek. He wasn't bound, which may or may not have been a good thing. He smelled...water. Old, stagnant water. He wasn't sure what, exactly, that meant, but was positive it was nothing good. As his mind cleared, he detected the sound of breathing. He must not be alone. He forced himself to pry his eyelids apart in order to look at his surroundings.

As soon as he did, he was met with the sight of two probably-once-shiny-but-now-scuffed-and-muddy black boots. He blinked, hard. The boots were still there. He frowned, then regretted it as his head twinged in pain.

The legs above the boots shifted. A very familiar voice said, "Hey, I think he's awake."

Another, equally familiar – but slightly more welcome – voice said, "You sure?" The words had a Scottish lilt to them.

"Course I'm not," the first voice said irritably. "That's why I said I _thought_ he was awake."

"Well, excu-use me," grumbled the Scottish voice, drawing the word out into three or four syllables.

"You're excused," grumped the first voice.  
"Shut up, guys," a new voice said tiredly.

"What, is our bickering keeping you from your beauty rest?" mocked the first voice.

A pause. Then: "Now that was unnecessary." This from the first person to have spoken, who sounded distinctly sullen.

"Nah, you deserved it," came a fourth voice.

"I did not!"

A scoff. "Did so."

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did-"

"Ow," Alex moaned.

The squabbling stopped cold. "Toldja he was awake," mumbled the first voice.

"Oh, shut it," said the third.

Alex sat up slowly, forcing down the nausea that rose with his head. Whatever tranquilizer they had used on him, he hoped they never did so again. He looked around his cell – a standard bleak affair, medium-sized, grey, and windowless – at the four older men sharing it. "Hey, guys," he croaked to his team with an attempt at a smile. "What'd you do to get yourself tossed in here?"

Wolf – the first person to have spoken – snorted. In typical Wolf fashion, he said, "This is the thanks we get for trying to rescue you."

Alex winced. If it was bad enough that MI6 had deigned to send a rescue team..."How long have I been here? The days tend to blur by when you can't see the sun," he explained when the men looked at him in disbelief.

"Not sure about how long you've been _here_, specifically," Snake – the second speaker – replied. "We think they've been moving you around."

"That would explain why they keep tranqing me," Alex commented.

Snake nodded and continued. "In any event, you've been incommunicado for almost three weeks."

Alex lay back and thunked his head against the floor – softly, so as to not aggravate his rapidly mounting headache. "Three weeks," he said quietly. Almost a month. Three weeks with Jack sitting at home, fretting, worrying, wondering if she would ever see him again.

Snake must have caught his look, because he said reassuringly, "Don't worry about it. We'll get you out."

That dragged a small chuckle out of the boy as he worked his way back into a sitting position. "Yes, and you're doing _such_ a good job of it so far."

"You bet!" Eagle – the other one who was arguing with Wolf earlier – jumped in. He grinned. "We've got 'em surrounded from the inside."

Before Alex could retort, Fox's pained voice came from across the cell. "Will you guys shut_ up_?" he said softly.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "What's with you?" he asked.

Fox cracked an eye open long enough to glare at him. "For your information, Cub, my head is killing me, my stomach is rebelling, and my butt is numb. So forgive me if I'm not in the best of moods." He closed his eye again.

Alex smiled ever so slightly. "Sounds like we're in the same boat."  
Fox just flipped him the bird without looking.

Wolf rolled his eyes at his teammate. He scooted over toward Alex and stage-whispered, "He did that to me, too." Glancing down to hide his smile, Alex noticed that it had been Wolf's boots in front of him when he first woke.

The sound of footsteps outside interrupted the reunion. They stopped outside the door, and something metallic jingled. The door opened to admit a stocky, balding man holding a pistol. He peered nearsightedly at the prisoners, then half-turned and called to someone in the hallway, "'Ey, Frank! 'E's awake!"

"Took 'im long enough," another man – apparently Frank – complained.

"I toldja not to use that trank...tranquiloosing...I toldja not to put 'im to sleep with that stuff," the man in the doorway said. "Remember what happened last time?"

"What happened last time?" Wolf whispered to Alex.

"Shut up, Harold," Frank said, preventing the boy from responding. "Just drag 'em out 'ere. I'm done listenin' to their whinin'!"

"You mean...you're going to kill us?" Alex said, affecting the persona of a scared little boy.

"That's right!" Harold said triumphantly. "We're gonna kill you, an' it's gonna be slow an' painful."

Alex widened his eyes further. "Slow _and _painful? How are you going to do that?"

Harold opened his mouth to respond, then shut it. He furrowed his brow and turned to call, "Frank? How _are_ we gonna kill 'em?"

Before Frank replied – but after his exasperated sigh – Alex stage-whispered to Eagle, "I hope you brought your insulin."

That made Harold's head whip around so fast, he winced and rubbed his neck. "What'd you say?" he asked Alex, not seeing the men's bewildered looks.

Alex tried to make his eyes wider, but only succeeded in straining his vision. Oh well, he thought. He settled for adding an extra tremor to his voice when he said, "Wh-what?"

"What'd you say about insulin?"

"O-oh. W-well, see, my friend here-" he gestured to Eagle, who adopted a blank expression- "h-he's diabetic. Y'know, he'll die slowly and in a lot of pain if he has too much sugar-" He cut himself off and mouthed a curse.

Harold grinned. He turned around and yelled, "'Ey Frank! You 'ear that?"

"'Ear what?" Frank called back.

"Th' one's diabetic!"

There was a pause, probably as Frank worked through why this was so exciting. Then he whooped and yelled, "Lock 'em back up! I gotta find us some sugar!"

Harold complied, grinning widely. He winked at Alex and said, "Thanks, kid. Maybe you'll die quickly." He shut the door.

Alex lost his scared-little-boy look and turned to face the what-just-happened looks from his teammates.

"What just happened?" Fox asked. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall once more even as he gave Alex an "explain" gesture.

Alex grinned. "Oh, I was just thinking of the Wonderland incident," he said.

Slowly, everyone grinned – even Fox.

Harold returned in due time, carrying a bag of pure sugar. He grinned menacingly and said, "Time for your medicine."

Alex wondered how long it had taken him to think that up.

Harold produced a pair of handcuffs from his back pocket. He set the sugar bag down, using it to prop open the doorway, and cuffed Eagle to the bars in the tiny window in the door by one wrist. _Idiot,_ Alex thought, not for the first time. Then Harold started spoon-feeding Eagle the raw sugar.

**Two hours later...**

"...And _then_, since we'd already slayed the Big Bad Wolf, we just walked right across the Yellow Brick Road without incident, but of course we still had to fight the dreaded Countess Carrot and her evil minions – you remember, the Potato Pelicans. So we did that, but just before we reached the summit of Candy Mountain, the Hershey Hounds came down with chocolate all around their muzzles. Can you believe it – they _ate_ all the Twix! They had all of Candy Mountain to choose from, and they had to _eliminate_ my favorite! Well, I couldn't let that go, now could I? So I took the Starburst Sword and, well, got violent, I'll admit – it wasn't rated G for general audiences. But they _ate_ my favorite candy bars! Every last one! Okay, so after the violent part, I led – they'll say dragged – everyone up to the summit and lo and behold, there was that pony guy! And he was all, 'Yay, you made it, you did good,' and I was all, 'That's not good grammar,' and he was all, 'Whatevs, have some candy,' and I was like, 'OMG CANDY YAY!' and then I was all, 'Erg, I ate too much candy.' And _that_ is the story of what happened on Candy Mountain! Now, getting down is another tale altogether, so-"

"That's it!" Harold finally cried. "I have sat here for _two hours_ waitin' for you to die! An' you're not dead! You're – you're _hyper_! You're _rambling_ about things that don't even make _sense_, an' I think Frank had the right idea when he left, an' I'm just _leaving!_" And having said that, he ran screaming from the cell.

"But wait!" Eagle called petulantly after him. "I didn't tell you how we got down, or about that time with the cookout, or about that- OOH! I haven't told you about that one time when Cub and I took Wolf's clothes and switched them with princess clothes!"

As Eagle carried on, Wolf leaned over to Alex and said, "Nice work, Cub."

Alex grinned. "See, everything can come in handy at some point."

"Yup. But you're both lucky Harold left when he did."  
Alex's grin widened. "What, you don't want to be reminded of the Princess Wolf incident?"  
Wolf growled, living up to his name.

Alex took that as an affirmative, and quickly – and wisely – changed the subject. "So where might we find spare keys to the cuffs?"  
"I say we leave him here," Snake chimed in. "Let him talk the sugar out of his system." Alex opened his mouth to say something – he wasn't sure what – but Snake said, "It beats having to go home listening to that."

Wolf, Alex, and Fox all locked gazes. "Let's go," they chorused.

* * *

**A/N: I almost feel sorry for Frank and Harold. Almost. XD**

**Okay, so it's three pages long – not counting the author's notes. Whatevs, have some candy.**

**You (the reader): Ooh, candy!**

**WAIT! You have to review first! Then you get candy.**

**You: *grumble grumble* Fine. But you better have (insert name of your favorite candy here).**

**I do, don't worry.**

**You: Good.**


	12. Nu är vi här med Caramelldansen

**A/N: THANK YOU, Kelly Song, for answering my question from chapter 6. I love you now. lolz And I mean that in a totally non-creepy way. VIRTUAL OREOS AND A CHIBI-ALEX PLUSHIE TO YOU! ^&^ Although, for this chapter/story/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I do need to disclaim the song "Caramelldansen." That song and all its awesomeness belongs to the Swedish band Caramell. :)**

**You can blame marisje for this one. XD lol jk, marisje. You're awesome. ^&^

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**

It was an ordinary sunny summer day in London. Alex was walking around aimlessly, not particularly caring where his feet took him. It was warm, the sun was shining, he was sure birds were singing somewhere – all in all, it was a good day to wander aimlessly about.

He rounded a corner and stopped cold. He blinked a couple times, then rubbed his eyes for good measure. But the spectacle before him remained the same.

He had emerged in an open square, at the center of which was a fountain. Gathered around this fountain were many people staring in amusement at the man _in_ the fountain. A man whose red hair and lean form were very familiar to Alex.

He nudged his way through the crowd to stand in front of the fountain. "Eagle?" he said in disbelief.

Eagle looked up. "Cub!" he cried, and bounded out of the fountain to embrace his former teammate.

Alex tried to back away, but was too slow to avoid the soldier's sopping wet arms. "Eagle..." he gasped. "Oxygen...need...air..."

Eagle released him. "Sorry," he said. "But it's been like ages! I mean, the last time we saw each other was when you guys left me handcuffed to a door yelling about Candy Mountain! And that was like a whole three weeks ago! Anyways, guess what guess what guess _what_!"

Alex blinked. "Umm...you've had way too much sugar again?" he asked. The crowd had mostly drifted away by now.

Eagle stuck out his tongue at Alex. "_Noooooo_. I mean yes, but that's not the point. The point is-"

"Excuse me, sir?" came a voice from behind Alex.

The spy turned around. "Yes, Officer?" he said.

The policeman looked at him. "You know this man?" he asked, jerking his head at Eagle.

"Yes, sadly, I do."

The policeman's enormous flavor-saver-size mustache twitched in what might have been a smile. "Well, can you keep him out of fountains from now on, son?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I'll try," he said.

The policeman nodded. "Good. Then-"

"_Hey!_" Eagle cut in petulantly.

Alex rolled his eyes. "What?" he asked wearily.

"You didn't guess what!"

Alex sighed. "What?" he asked again.

"I KNOW THE CARAMELLDANSEN!" Eagle yelled loud enough that most of the people in the square turned to look. Several laughed.

Alex rubbed his ears. "Okay," he said. "Good for you."

"You better believe it!" Eagle then started singing a fast-paced song in a language Alex didn't know, and doing the most disturbing dance Alex had ever seen a grown man do – presumably the Caramelldansen.

The policeman looked at Alex and whispered, "Is he drunk?"

Alex laughed slightly. "No sir," he said. "Just hyper."

The policeman grinned. "Well, okay, then." With that, the policeman joined Eagle in dancing like a lunatic.

Alex turned away before he was scarred for life.

He was just at the edge of the square when he heard Eagle shout, "YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPAHS!"

He didn't even look, just kept on walking.

* * *

**A/N: Short, yes. But I wanted to do an actual drabble again. You know, like it says these chapters/stories/whatever-you-want-to-call-them are in the summary? :D And no, I was not hyper/drunk (I abhor alcohol, and besides, I'm too young to drink)/overly tired when I wrote this. All I was doing was listening to Breaking Benjamin (THEY ROQ BEYOND WORDS! *fangirl moment*) O_O I knows...**

**If you want to know what the Caramelldansen (Swedish for "Caramell dance") looks like, just look up "Caramelldansen SpeedyCake remix" on YouTube. There's a plethora of music videos on there. The SpeedyCake remix is what spawned the common Caramelldansen.**

**Please review! Reviewers get virtual Oreos and a hyper Eagle plushie – you can record your voice and it plays it back as quadruple the speed, simulating what it would sound like if you were Eagle-hyper! Reviewers who give me a suggestion for the next chapter also get *drumroll* EAGLE'S PARTY MIX! That's right ladies and gentlemen, this gigundo bag of candy features every form of edible sugar under the sun! Tootsie rolls, more Oreos, Starbursts, Hershey's bars, Nestlé Crunch bars, candy canes, Mars bars, M&Ms, Hershey's kisses, Twizzlers, Twix, Snickers, caramel turtles, jelly beans, fudge, doughnuts, chocolate chips, thumbprint cookies, chocolate chip cookies, pudding mix, 3 Musketeers, Rolos, 100 Grand bars, Baby Ruths, toffee, suckers of every flavor, Lifesavers, gummi worms, ice cream (in special containers, of course), Rice Krispie treats, nougat, ferrero rochers, Reese's cups, marshmallows, s'mores, Whoppers, snickerdoodles, ice cream sandwiches, cotton candy, Jolly Ranchers, Air Heads, gummi bears, Milk Duds, Red Hots, jawbreakers, brittle of every kind, taffy, Laffy Taffy, candy and caramel apples, Reese's pieces, Hershey's pieces, Take 5s, Whatchamacallits, Milky Ways, Almond Joys, Mounds bars, York peppermint patties, Smarties, Bit O' Honeys, Cow Tails, candy jewelry, PEZ, those little candy hearts that Valentine's Day throws up every year (lovely picture, no?), Mr. Goodbars, tiramisu, cake of all flavors, milkshakes, those little chocolate eggs you get around Easter - and that's just the beginning! With Eagle's Party Mix, you too can become so hyper you vibrate a hole in the floor! (Sunda Industries is not responsible for illness, injury, building damage, hospitalization, or death.) lolz And of course, I don't own any of the candy named :( Although I do have some Starbursts and a few candy canes...If anyone who helped me think of sweets is reading this, thanks. :D**


	13. Through Hell and High Water Part 1

**A/N: Howdy, all! The hyper Eagle is back, and this time the danger is more real, more intense, and more clichéd than ever! So much so, in fact, that it goes against the laws of Fan Fiction Fysics (YES, I know it's actually spelled physics. But this isn't physics. It's FFF – Fan Fiction Fysics. *sigh* Just go with me here...) to squeeze the entire cliché – oh, the danger, too – in a single chapter!**

**...**

**Ahem?**

**DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUHN!**

***cough* Sorry, my dramatic music CD has a scratch. ANYway, sorry it took so long to get you this. But it's here, now, and I am proud to present *drumroll* CHAPTER THIRTEEN OF "A HYPER EAGLE IS A VERY SCARY THING"!**

**Oh, yeah...thirteen is supposed to be an unlucky number...oops...*creepy grin***

* * *

"My feet are wet."

"Yeah, Eagle, we know."

Eagle pouted. "You don't have to sound so crabby, Wolf."

Wolf nearly snarled, looking for an instant scarily akin to his namesake. "Yes, I do," he growled. "Because you've said that half a dozen times in the past five minutes!"

Eagle's pout grew more pronounced. "But they aaaaaaaaaaaaare!" he whined.

Wolf was about to snap something back when Snake interrupted. "Hey!" he near-shouted. "Bickering like children isn't going to get us out of here!"

Fox butted into the conversation, if it could be called that. "Well, what is?" he snapped. "In case you haven't noticed, we're overkillingly tied to a bunch of chairs, in a giant frigging cliché, with water rising fast and _there's no way out of here!_"

What he said was not untrue. K-unit was restrained on supremely uncomfortable (of course) metal chairs by itchy ropes and plastic zip-tie cuffs (the overkill) in the underwater base of a madman (the first part of the "giant frigging cliché") and the base's self-destruct – which basically entailed certain key pieces of the structure loosening severely from their joins so that the ocean above flooded the place (which wasn't really much of a self-destruct, but then again, their captor _was_ completely bonkers) – had been activated, therefore ensuring the team's slow and agonizing demise (cliché, part deux).

Not the best position to be in.

As the men grumbled and racked their brains for a way out – or, in one case (guess which), entertained himself with fantasies of sugar-wrapped goodness – when a strange sound met their ears, one which was a complete non sequitur as far as sounds were concerned, considering their present abandoned-to-their-extremely-clichéd-doom situation.

"Ow!"

The voice was familiar to all, though distorted by echoes to the point where none of them could place it. It was followed by a few curses and not a few thumps, which seemed to get closer to them all the time. Finally, the air vent in their cell – which had been leaking water for several minutes – was unscrewed from behind somehow and fell the couple inches to the floor. A hand followed the air vent, and was in turn followed by a familiar – and completely unexpected – face.

"Cub!" Snake exclaimed in surprise.

The boy in question wriggled completely out of the ventilation shaft and stood up, the scuba suit he wore completely soaked through. "Before you say anything," he drawled, "I'm only here because you twits got yourselves stuck in a clichéd place with very small ventilation shafts. You're lucky I was on hand."

Fox looked triumphantly at Wolf. "See? Toldja it was a giant frigging cliché."

Alex snickered. "I mean, seriously? An underwater base? I thought those were just in comics."

Wolf glowered at both of them – an impressive feat. "Whatever. Can't you just get us out of here, Cub?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Out of the chairs? Yes, if I wanted to. Out of the base? Well..." he trailed off, a slightly embarrassed look on his face. "Maybe. I don't know." By this time the ventilation shaft he had crawled through was heartily spewing water, providing quite an effective blockade.

K-Unit stared wide-eyed at their youngest (and only) not-quite-member. "So now we're all stuck in here?" Snake demanded, his Scottish accent slightly thicker than normal.

Alex winced. "Yes?" he said in a small voice.

If his hands had been free, Snake would have facepalmed. Epically.

As it was, his head just sort of flopped against his chest and he heaved a sigh. "Great," he muttered.

"Now what?" Fox moaned.

"Now you get off your emo butt and help me," Alex retorted, producing a pocketknife, with which he proceeded to cut the men's bindings.

"I'm not emo," Fox muttered under his breath as he rubbed his wrists.

"So why'd MI6 send you down here if you can't even get us out?" Wolf demanded, ignoring Fox.

"I don't know!" Alex wailed. "Maybe because they're a bunch of brainless-"

"HEY, GUYS!" Eagle yelled, cutting off whatever insult Alex was about to hurl at his "employers."

"What?" Snake grumbled, rubbing his ear.

Eagle grinned. "I know how we can get out of here."

The other men and the boy proceeded to stare at Eagle as though he had two heads. Which would have been less shocking than him actually having an idea. "How?" Fox finally croaked as he realized his feet were soaked.

Eagle's grin dimmed, then disappeared altogether. "Um...I forget..." he mumbled.

This time, Snake actually did facepalm epically.

**Duhn duhn duuuuuuuuhn!**

Alex frowned. "Hey, did any of you hear dramatic music playing ominously in the background?"

"Nah," Wolf said. "It's just you."

"I heard-"

"Shut up, Eagle.

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**A/N: *slaps CD player* Stupid contraption! You're not supposed to play in-story! Rrr...I swear, this thing is sentient, and it hates me...**

**So? Thoughts? Theories? How do you think they're gonna get out of this one? Cause honestly – and if you actually read authors' notes I believe you're awesome enough that you deserve to know this – I don't know how they get out of this. x} So, if you have an idea, _please_ share it...XD**

**REVIEW! 8D**

**EDIT: Okay, I know how they're getting out of this particular jam (I like jam...hmm...a peanut-butter-and-strawberry-jam sandwich sounds good...DANGIT! Now I went and made myself hungry! DX lol), thanks to ReillyScarecrowRocks :) But please, do review!  
**


	14. Through Hell and High Water Part 2

**A/N: AAAAAAALLLRIGHTY THEN! Here we are with part 2 of "Through Hell and High Water" - and it's a doozy! First of all, though, credit where credit is due. Phoenix Revenge sparked the idea for the "totally epic lightbulb moment" (pun intended), though perhaps not in the way she intended. And ReillyScarecrowRocks gave me the means for the boys' escape - I gotta say, I can't believe I didn't think of that myself x} And sorry, Reilly, but no gillyweed. I've already done a Harry Potter-themed chapter lol  
**

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When we last saw our heroes, they were trapped at the bottom of the ocean, with nowhere to go and water rising fast. Eagle actually -_gasp-_ had a thought...but lost it somewhere between the one about the unicorn feed and the one regarding his hunger. Alex Rider, also known as Cub, had heroically come to K-unit's rescue, but failed when the aforementioned fast-rising water cut off their escape route. Cue dramatic music...

**Duhn duhn duuuuuuuuhn!**

"There's that dramatic music playing ominously in the background again!" Alex exclaimed.

Fox eyed the boy sidelong. "I think the pressure is messing with your head," he said.

Alex stuck his tongue out at the older man, feeling like a child and not caring. Before the snarkfest could escalate, Wolf asked Alex, "How did you get here, anyway?"

With a last glare at Fox, Alex turned to the team leader. "Mini-sub," he said. "MI6 actually dropped me off this time."

"So is that how we're getting out?"

Alex scowled. "No. Apparently it wasn't designed for this depth of water – they couldn't stick around for long. If we can find the proper gear, we could swim out, but I doubt that'll help much considering we're under a good thousand feet of ocean."

"A thousand feet!" Snake cut in. "No way!"

The boy grimaced. "Way, unfortunately. We're gonna have to find our own way out."

Eagle, who had been silent so far, pouted. "This sucks," he said, summing up everyone's thoughts in far more polite language.

Wolf made a face that could be best described as pained. "I never thought I'd agree with Eagle, but he has a point." Fox and Snake nodded agreement.

There was a moment of despondent silence as the cold seawater swirled around their shins and crept up to their knees. Suddenly, Eagle's face began to light up and he gasped. "GUYS!" he yelled. "I just had a _totally epic_ lightbulb moment!"

His team stared first at him, then at each other. Wolf shrugged. "Why not?" he muttered. "Explain," he said to Eagle.

Eagle grinned. "How d'you s'pose St. John got out of here?" he asked semi-rhetorically. St. John was the name assumed by the madman who had captured K-Unit.

The men, and boy, blinked. "A sub of some kind?" Fox ventured.

Eagle scowled. "An escape pod, dummy!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe," Alex interrupted. "What's your point?"

Still glaring at Fox, Eagle continued his thought. "When he took his _escape pod_," he said, stressing the words, "he left one behind. Remember we took out like a dozen of his guys? There's gotta be one left over!" He smiled around at his blinking teammates, satisfied with himself and amused by the looks on their faces.

Snake was the first to break the silence as the icy water reached his knees. "Eagle," he said solemnly, laying a hand on the other man's shoulder, "I never thought I'd say this, but..._good thinking_."

Eagle beamed. "Then let's go!" he exclaimed, turning to the door. Then he stopped. "Uh..."

"Leave it to me," Alex said, slogging toward the portal – the water was higher on him. He pulled what looked like a pencil eraser out of his pocket and pressed it into the door. It stuck, and he backed off quickly and ducked, prompting the others to do the same. A few seconds later, a decent-sized explosion disintegrated the knob and knocked the door cockeyed on its hinges.

Alex grinned. "Good ol' Smithers," he said to himself.

Fox and Wolf wrestled the door open, admitting a torrent of water that soaked nearly everyone completely through and subsided to rest just above the level of Alex's waist. Shivering, Wolf motioned the others to fall in behind him and started making his way through the collapsing base.

Several minutes, much impatient snapping, and a good foot of water later, they found it. The mini-sub definitely lived up to the first half of its name, but they would all be able to fit if they squeezed – and really, they reasoned, could it be any worse than folding themselves into Eagle's tiny car?

Apparently so.

"Get your foot out of my face!" Fox grumbled as Wolf piloted the mini-sub away from the base.

"My foot's not _in_ your face!" Snake snapped.

"Not your foot, Cub's foot!"

"What makes you think it's _my_ foot?"

"I don't think anyone else in here has feet that size, Cub."

"Oh, yeah...sorry." He shifted the offending appendage the best he could.

"I can _not_ believe I'm stuck in here with you people for another nine hundred and seventy-six feet," Wolf muttered.

Someone smacked him as hard as he could, which given the confined space, wasn't very hard.

"If I ever find out who hit me, there's going to be blood," Wolf said conversationally.

Four voices rang out in perfect harmony: "I didn't do it!"

"Riiiiight..."

A hundred feet and a lot of grumbling later, Alex piped up, "Why in the world did he leave this behind, anyway? Wouldn't it make more sense to destroy it, or at least cut off access to it, just in case?"

The men considered this for a moment, then Snake said, "Cub, this is the guy whose idea of a self-destruct is the base collapsing ever-so-slowly in on itself. He has less brains than Eagle."

"Hey!"

Alex ignored him. "Good point," he said.

"_Hey!_"

"Shut up, Eagle."

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**A/N: Well, what'd you think? Again, many _many_ thanks and virtual cookies to ReillyScarecrowRocks for getting the boys out of that jam. Or jelly, if you're American...**

**Please review! I have a suggestion I think I'm going to take after this, but please feel free to share yours! This fic is mostly sustained by things you guys, my ever-wonderful readers, suggest, so don't be shy! :) Also, I want to know what you think, so again I ask you to REVIEW! 8)**


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